And then came.........

And then came along Jimmy
He was ruggish thuggish.
I was actually pretty scared of him but I was innocent and did not know how to say no.
He looked like Mike Tyson and I tell you I don't know why I even talked to him.
He was kind of nice but till today I really still ask myself why?
I think I was always looking for a male figure in my life.
A male that adored me or something.
So yea Jimmy went to jail(he beat up his foster parent) and guess what he called me "collect" on my home phone and I always accepted and talked for hours......
I still do not remember getting in trouble though with the parents because I'm sure the phone bill must have been rather high.

While Jimmy was in jail, I fell in love with Marcus.
He lived down the street from me and played football.
I thought he was the cutest black boy ever.
i think he knew I had a crush on him but I guess I wasn't his type cause he never hollered.
The crush eventually dwindled and all we had done was kiss in the park by our house and him pulling his pants down but he didn't have an erection and I ran home.

I never see Jimmy again and eventually he stops calling and I move on with my life.

First time

I look back now and think maybe i would not have done it. But I will never really know. Do i regret it? maybe.

He was Irish and had deep blue eyes. He was average height and I thought I was in love.
He was the first boy to acknowledge me at my new school and boy was he a looker. we became friends, he even offered to take me home because I sometimes missed the bus. He was really nice actually. We talked on the phone sometimes even though I hardly ever had anything to say but still he remained nice. we never went on dates, i figure i was too young and he probably had no money. We were only 15 or 16 , i don't remember now. Well we stayed friends and then I see him with this other girl and I ask him about her, he says that's his ex-girlfriend that would not stop bugging him. I am very naive and believe him. We still hang out. Then one day he' dropping me at home and he starts kissing me, I kiss him back and before you know it, he pulls off my pants and we do it right there in the car, it is very bloody and I am scared. I don't even remember if there was a condom or not but it hurt and I think I cried when I got home. I never did it again and we stopped talking. He was not in school the next semester. I really wonder what happened to him.

My past , My present and future
I will tell it all .
Lovers present, past and the one I contemplate a future with.
I have loved, lived and I have a few complaints but in all i have learned.

It is life and I want to share it .

Why bring all this up?
Well, I feel like your past defines your future and I am trying to find meaning to certain things right now. Have I changed or am I looking for something in men that I will never find?